Always keep trying
by its a feeling like this
Summary: Post mockingjay, pre epilogue. Peeta desperately wants a baby, Katniss doesn't but whose favour are the odds in? The story is hopefully better than the description :
1. Chapter 1

We've had this argument so many times. I feel awful, I can see how much he wants it. He wants a baby, he wants us to be a _real _family and that kills me because the only thing I know right now is that I don't. I've never really wanted any of that and even now that there are no more games, the fears still there, I know that there is no threat there anymore, but there are other things that can hurt a child. Like a bomb. "I couldn't stop what happened to Prim, Peeta. And a baby? A small vulnerable baby, how am I supposed to protect a baby from the world?" Peeta opens his mouth to argue back, but is interrupted by the low whimper that escapes my lips, and I'm shaking as tears stream down my face. This happens often. Whenever Prim is brought up in conversation or more often in arguments, I become an emotional wreck which makes it difficult to effectively argue any point. Right on cue Peeta's arms encircle me and he holds me close to him whilst I soak the shoulder of his shirt with my tears. This makes it harder, he would make an excellent parent, he's always so understanding and patient and kind. But no matter how great at being a father Peeta is, it won't make me a decent mother and so for now at least, I'm not backing down.

The evening passes, it's awkward and the tension in the room is thick. Neither of us wants to bring up the argument but it's also clear that it's all either of us is thinking about. Our choices are to argue or to not talk at all and we have a silent consensus on the latter. I catch him periodically throwing worried glances my way, probably keeping tabs on my mental state. I shower while he cooks dinner, but the shower doesn't act as much of a distraction and I'm drawn into a million thoughts that have been swirling around my head. I think about our possible baby, only it's more Peeta's baby, blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. I catch myself smiling at the thought, and then again at the thought of Peetas face. In my head I see his reactions, I see him beaming whilst looking down at a gorgeous baby. I realize that I have been in the shower a good thirty minutes when Peeta knocks on the door to make sure that I'm ok. I assure him that I am and tell him that I'll be down in a minute or so. In my head I've made a resolve. I go straight downstairs once I'm dressed and find Peeta in the kitchen waiting for me. We eat dinner in silence- well, he eats, I just push the food around my plate while I try to think of what to say. Eventually I break the silence "P..Peeta?" Although I speak quietly, it makes him jump a little. He clears his throat, "What is it?" I can hear the caution in his voice and know that he's worried that we are going to end up fighting again. "I umm, well, I was thinking and i... maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we were to have a baby" My voice catches at the end of the sentence and makes it sound like a question. I look up timidly through my eyelashes and see the most amazing smile and for the first time in so long the smile reaches his eyes. I realize now that he hasn't been _really_ happy for a long time. "I can see how much you want this and I want you to be happy." With this, his eyes are suddenly filled with doubt and he speaks with a colourless tone, "Katniss, this is big. You can't do this for _me_, ok? You just can't, it's not fair on you. We can wait, you will want this too someday. I can wait until then." I don't think that I will ever want this, not really. "I think I want it now Peeta" I lie, "I want us to have a family." With this he smiles at me and it's the exact same way that he looked when we got married, it's hope. I know that we won't be having anymore arguments for a while, but I have butterflies at the thought of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**This one is a bit explicit, sorry. I'm trying to make these longer but failing miserably. Please review so that I know how to improve. Thanks xx**

He stands up and walks around the table to me and swoops down and picks me up. I let out an involuntary giggle and have to admit that I feel excited about this, well at least about trying. Peeta leans down and kisses me on the lips, I kiss him back as hard as I can, we haven't been like this in a while, after all the arguing there isn't much time left for anything else.

He carries me upstairs and sets me down on the bed as his lips move to kiss my jaw, my neck and then he unbuttons my shirt and plants light kisses on my breasts. I moan softly at the feeling of intimacy that I have missed so much. He pulls back to remove his own clothes and as I lay there marvelling at him he gives me a very satisfied grin and then returns to the bed as I finish removing my trousers leaving me in my underwear. He begins kissing me again, everywhere, this time it's less gentle and I can feel the fire that has long since been put out begin to ignite. He slips his hand into my panties and I breathe out his name. He stops too soon though, my disappointment is soon gone as he enters me and I feel complete again. We begin moving in sync with one another our breathing and moans and gasps are almost simultaneous, I thrust against him harder a couple of times and then a few minutes later we both reach our peaks as we call out each other's names.

In this moment-as we lay together trying to catch our breath, my head on his chest and our legs intertwined-I am happy. Peeta then falls into a peaceful slumber and I can tell that tonight he will dream of our baby, I fall asleep shortly after to a much darker dream of our child. When I wake, I'm grateful that my usual screaming and thrashing has not happened. Instead I awake gasping in the darkness to feel Peeta's warm strong arms around me. I lay there for a few hours too petrified to move and too terrified to face the nightmares of a dying child again.

Peeta begins to stir just as the sky outside lightens a little. Peeta looks down at me in concern "Did you have another nightmare, sweetheart?" I just nod, too afraid that my voice will fail me. He sits up and pulls me up with him resting my head on his shoulder. As he moves a piece of hair off my face he questions me "why didn't you wake me? You know I don't mind." Not wanting to tell him of my doubts about our parenting skills, I lie "You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you. I was fine once I knew you were here." I lie again, knowing he won't question this because it's exactly what he says when he has a nightmare.

The next few weeks pass as usual, I go out hunting in the morning while Peeta is at the bakery and we both come home at lunch time. Only recently we haven't been doing much eating during this time. Then Peeta goes back to work and I dally around the house tidying as I go. Before Peeta comes home I clean my kill and then most nights we cook dinner together, we eat dinner together and then we go to bed.

Today is different though, Peeta wakes up to find me throwing up in the bathroom- which I've been doing for the past week or so but this is the first time he has caught me- and leans behind me, holding my hair. He then gives me an encourage stare with hope in his eyes, and I know what he thinks, and what's worse is that I know that he's right. "I think I'm pregnant." I tell him in a voice that is barely a whisper. Instantaneously his face lights up and then there's biggest smile that I've ever seen. It's nice, I don't think that I have ever seen him look so happy, not when we won the rebellion or even when we got married.

Despite my own doubts, it feels amazing to see him this happy after so long. We go about our day as normal but every now and then I catch him looking at me. The looks vary though. Sometimes I catch him staring at me with a look that says 'I'm so happy that I'm going to explode' and other times they are worried glances and I can see the fear in his eyes before he has the chance to compose himself. I catch him staring at my stomach a few times, and I know that he is picturing our baby but it makes me feel uncomfortable, I'm not used to being looked at like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors note: Enjoy and please review, this is my first fan fiction and I'm feeling a little self-conscious about it :)**

The next day we go to the District Twelve hospital which has been up and running now for around five years. It's strange now to think back to before we had it, it seems such a necessity now so I can't really remember how anyone managed before, with just my mother and Prim. My heart is beating incredibly fast and my forehead feels sticky, I hate hospitals, they remind me of Thirteen and the Capitol and The Games and Prim. "You alright?" Peeta asks as he rubs soothing circles into the back of my hand with his thumb. I nod but he knows it's not true "I know you hate this Katniss, but it's kind of necessary. It'll be over in no time, ok? I promise." This makes me feel a little better because I know he's right, I don't have a choice in the matter and it will be quick.

When we go into the doctor's office, I see that our doctor is Delly Cartwright. I knew she worked here but I didn't expect her to be our doctor. I'm glad to see her, the truth is Peeta and I might not be together now if it weren't for Delly. I can tell that she can feel my anxiety and so she works quickly. I'm on the chair with my shirt up and with the cool gel on my stomach within a few minutes and then we hear it, the heartbeat of our baby and it's there again, that look on Peeta's face and I can't help but think that my face probably expresses a completely different emotion. I work to correct it and replace it with the best smile I can manage, which isn't too great but it seems to convince Peeta as he then leans down and kisses my forehead which is now sweatier than before.

He looks at the screen, which to me just looks like a muddle of black and white and whispers "that's our baby Katniss. That small speck on the screen, it's our…baby." His voice cracks at the end of the sentence and his eyes well up. "Yeah, it's you and me Peeta." I can't help but feel guilty that I'm not feeling the same emotions as him but I try to be as convincing as possible. I'm thankful when Delly interrupts us "So from the ultra-sound it looks like you're about eight weeks along. I'll get you some pre-natal vitamins to take, I can probably only get a month's supply for now but you can just come back for more. Congratulations!" She squeals in delight, which at first is weird but then I remember that her and Peeta were really close as children and that they used to say they were brother and sister. She gives us both a genuine and kind smile and then leaves the room.

Peeta and I exchange confused glances because what Delly just said means that I was pregnant for about a month before we even started trying, neither of us say anything, we just smile at one another. When she arrives back she hands Peeta the vitamins and hugs us both. "You can tell close family members now, if you want to. But we usually suggest waiting until at least 12 weeks before you tell anyone, just in case anything happens." With this cheery piece of information we leave and head home. Peeta's smile doesn't falter once the whole way home.

We arrive home to see Haymitch on his front lawn with his geese. He walks towards us, holding the one that he lovingly calls Peeta due to the fact that it lost a leg. "What's made him so happy, sweetheart?" he asks me and I can tell by his smirk that he has thought of a few ideas of his own. "It's just a really beautiful day, Haymitch that's all." Peeta answers him and even his voice sounds slightly different in this rare state of bliss. Haymitch doesn't seem too convinced but doesn't probe any further. The next four weeks pass with vomiting and craving food that I don't usually even touch. I can see that Peeta is dying to tell people our news but to be honest I'm finding it hard enough having one person looking at my stomach rather than my face, never mind the whole district. Over these weeks we seem to see everybody, Effie comes for a visit from The Capitol, supposedly to see us all but she spends a questionable amount of time with Haymitch. We go around to Gales house where he lives with his wife Leyton. They met in District Two, when he came back with her it was a shock, he didn't even bother to tell us he was married. Things are good between us now though, it's like how it was before the first games and I'm dreading telling him the news. We bump into Leevy a few times when we are out and about and my mother comes to stay with us for a week.

By the twelfth week of the pregnancy it isn't hard to hide the small bump. Luckily it's November so it's easy to hide under jumpers and coats. While my mother is here though, I think she knows. Every now and then I see her looking at me with concern, she works in a hospital so chances are that she does know. The night before my mother leaves Peeta and I tell my mother that we are expecting a baby. She acts surprised, but she's no actress and so my suspicions were correct, she has known since she got here, she knows what foods I like and that I don't normally wear huge jumpers around the house. "Katniss, I do wish that you had just told me when I got here. I'll come back in a few months and again when the baby's born, ok?" I can hear the excitement in her voice and can tell that she has been holding this in for a while. I'm glad to have this off my chest. "Now, to tell everyone else." Peeta says with anticipation and I give him and exasperated look which he just laughs at.

We spend the next week or so telling everyone we know and the reactions we get are so different. Effie cries and hugs us both for at least 5 minutes. Haymitch cracks a joke about how he's surprised this didn't happen sooner and another about the walls being like paper. When I call Annie she sounds a little distant but congratulates us, her mind is somewhere else. Everyone else we tell, Leevy, Greasy Sae, my old friends from the Hob and Peeta's colleagues all congratulate us in the same conventional way. Now, I have one last person to tell. This one should be easy, I tell him everything. Well, I used to. I stand outside his door for so long, trying to find the courage to knock. As I go to knock, after a good ten minutes of standing out in the rain, Gale opens the door, obviously heading out.

"Katniss? Are you Ok?" He sounds worried and it's now that I realize that I probably look like a drowned rat so I nod. "Are you going out?" I ask, hoping that he says yes and that he hasn't got time to talk. But of course he says "I was just coming to see you actually, I was speaking to Leevy earlier today and she told me something. She said that you're pregnant?" It's not really question, but it sounds like one so I answer, trying to keep my voice steady, "umm, yeah. I know that you should have been the first person that I told but I just didn't know how to tell you or how you'd take it." I sound like a small child apologising to her parents and so we both smirk and then laugh to the point where we are both in tears. He hugs me and spins me around and when he puts me down he says through the laughter "I'm _so_ happy for you Katniss, for both of you. You will be such a good mother." At this point I burst out into hysterical laughter again, shaking my head. "Of course you will, the way you were with Prim and Posy…" He looks down and I can see that he wants to cry, we've both lost our younger sisters, Prim to President Coins bombs and Posy to a bad case of Rubella a few years ago. We both know this loss. He composes himself and continues, "You were made for this, taking care of people comes naturally to you. You've taken care of me and Peeta. As for him, well this child is going to have two amazing parents." With this we smile at each other and he hugs me tightly. I go home, the rain has stopped and I feel happy that Gale knows the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors note- This chapter covers a bit of a touchy subject. Please review, I really appreciate it. Thank you xx**

I arrive home and see that Peeta has made lamb stew, which is my favourite. He must have gone to the butchers because there haven't been any sheep wandering around in the woods lately. I hang my jacket up and walk towards the kitchen, Peeta meets me at the kitchen door with a kiss and then pulls out a chair for me. As we eat Peeta talks about painting the baby's room and starts debating with himself what colour would be best. I chip in occasionally and try to sound enthusiastic but the truth is that I think it's too soon to be decorating and buying furniture. Although, the idea of this baby is growing on me and so I join in with the conversation with more fervour during desert. We decide that either a light yellow or a cream would work best on the walls and we can bring in another colour with bedding and curtains once we know if it's a boy or a girl. We both go up to bed and for the first time in so long, I'm not going to bed worrying and I can almost guarantee that I won't be having any nightmares tonight.

The next day we head down to the merchant part of town and buy paint -we decided on a very pale yellow- and also buy a crib and a changing table. With each purchase that we make, we are congratulated, even by those who have already done so. We head back to the house and clear out the seldom used office room and begin to paint. After two weeks it's hard to believe that this was ever an office it's bright and beautiful. The ceiling is the white blue of a clear summer's day with feathery white clouds. There is a big rocking chair in the corner of the room and the crib is longing to be used. Everything is perfect. Although a small seed of doubt still remains, I'm confident that it will go away once the baby is born. Over the next few nights that pass, we both just fall into bed and close our eyes immediately, both too exhausted to do anything else. Plus the fact that I now have a much defined and ever growing bump, makes it weird. I personally think I'm starting to look huge and so I'm not too eager to be naked in front of Peeta anytime soon.

I wake to feel a sharp pain in my stomach and let out a whimper, Peeta stirs a bit but doesn't wake up. I feel sticky and the bed sheet feels wet. I feel another pain and clutch my stomach as my breath becomes uneven and staggered. This time I moan out loudly in pain and Peeta wakes with a start. He fumbles around for the light switch, "Katniss, what is it?" He turns the lamp on and looks at me, I feel faint and know that my face is probably drained of all colour. I lift my hand up to move a piece of hair off my face as I do Peeta grabs my hand and stares at the redness. He pulls back the duvet and we both see the bed sheet and my pyjamas are drenched in blood. "Oh.. Oh God,wh..um, what happened?" He looks flustered and confused and I'm sure I look the same. He pulls himself together and gets up. He walks around to my side of the bed and helps me up but less than a minute after I stand up I feel dizzy and pass out.

I wake up in a bright white room. It smells of bleach. I'm scared. I try to sit up but soon give up because it hurts too much, I wince and let out a quiet cry. It's now that I notice-as he starts to wake up- that Peeta has his head leaning against the bed. He sits up and holds my hand in both of his and gives me a weak smile. "What happened? I don't remember what happened." My voice is barely audible and it's thick with sleep so I'm surprised that he can tell what I said. "The doctors aren't really sure what caused it to happen. We lost the baby, I'm sorry." It takes me a minute to process the information and then I burst into tears. "I'm sorry!" I gasp out in between sobs. "It's my fault, I didn't really want it at first. The baby knew and it died." I can barely breathe now and I'm shaking, Peeta keeps shaking his head at me, "You need to calm down Katniss, it's alright. This wasn't anybody's fault, sweetheart." He tries to reassure me but the tears keep coming. "At first I didn't really want a baby, but I loved _this_ baby, Peeta. I loved our baby and I didn't say it, I didn't show it how much I loved it. Our baby died thinking that its mother didn't love it." Peeta is now sat next to me on the bed and is holding me and kissing my hair "shhh, it wasn't your fault. I love you." He says these three things over and over as I try and calm down, after some time the crying becomes exhausting and I fall asleep.

When I wake I feel that Peeta is still holding my hand but when I open my eyes I see that it is Haymitch and not Peeta. For this, I am thankful. It's horrible looking into Peeta's eyes now. He looks defeated and broken. Haymitch notices now that I'm awake and shifts my pillows so that I am kind of sitting up. Neither of us speaks for a while, I don't think either of us knows what to say. Now isn't really the time for jokes or arguing, which is all Haymitch and I ever really do. Finally he speaks, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I can't even imagine how hard this is." He sounds sincere and I feel like I'm going to cry again, but there's nothing left. There are no tears, no words, I feel empty, in more way than one. I close my eyes again and just hope that he'll think I'm asleep and leave.

**I just want to apologise if anyone has found this difficult to read due to personal experience.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note: I'm writing this quite fast because I'm a procrastinating fool who would rather do this than revision. So happy that a few people have made this story a favourite, so a huge thank you to those people. Please review whether you like it or not as it helps me to make the following chapters better. Xx**

I don't talk for the rest of the day, to be honest I'm not even sure if I could if I wanted to. When Peeta returns with my fresh clothes and toiletries he sits by my bed and just holds my hand. I don't look at him, I can't. I just pretend that he's not there, he doesn't try to make conversation either for a while, I decide he can tell that I can't talk right now or he is too wrapped up in grief, probably both. I slept through lunch but at dinner time I treat my plate the same way I've been treating Peeta, I ignore it. Peeta doesn't push me to eat the food and I'm grateful for that, I'm not grateful though for what he does next, he leans down and kisses my cheek and says "I do love you, Katniss." Then he whispers "it wasn't your fault." I love him for this but I can't reply, I feel like I'm broken. I just look at him, so at least he knows I'm listening, but I can't even bring myself to smile at him because as far as I'm concerned, it was my fault. So I do what I've been doing all day, I pretend to sleep just to get away from everything and then I wish I hadn't.

My eyes are shut but I can't escape the pain I've caused. I hear Peeta's muffled sobs and feel so guilty, the door opens and I hear Peeta's crying become quieter and quieter and a new set of lighter footsteps come towards me. I feel the comforting warm touch and soon fall asleep. I awake to find my mother playing with my hair. She smiles at me sympathetically and plants a kiss on my cheek.

After three days in hospital I am eager to go home. I hear an argument between Delly and Peeta, they are debating whether or not I am mentally prepared to go home. Delly wants to put me on the psychiatric ward to monitor my behaviour and this scares me but then Peeta says "Delly, it's just this place. She hates hospitals, she'll be better off at home. I'll keep an on her and if anything happens I'll bring her here." I love him, he knows as well as I do that it won't be any better at home but he knows that I can't stand it here. My mother has gone back home and so at least there is one less person to lie to.

On the way out of the hospital we bump into Gale and Leyton who look so happy, or maybe that's just because we are so miserable. It all happens so quickly, there's no warning. "You'll never guess what guys." Says Gale animatedly, "Leyton's pregnant too, we're going to have babies at the same time." I can almost hear Peeta's jaw drop and out of the corner of my eye I see him slowly shake his head at Gale and then I see the recognition on Gales face. I see him take in mine and Peeta's glum expressions and my lack of baby bump. "Oh..errm. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't believe I just… I'm sorry." He looks me in the eyes and I give him the same blank expression that I've worn for the past three days. "Don't worry about it, you didn't know." Peeta forgives him. "Congratulations by the way." He says with a forced but still incredibly weak smile. And then Peeta wraps his arm around my waist and we continue on home where things remain the same.

I go straight to our bedroom and resume a similar position to that in the hospital. I lie on my side and curl up into a ball and stare, at the wall, out the window, at nothing. I'm wrapped up in my thoughts, my guilt and my grief, my guilt for Peeta's grief. Every few hours Peeta brings food up to the room. I don't eat it. I feel like I did after Snows execution, only this is less of a conscious decision. I don't even realise that the food is there until Peeta comes in to take it away. I guess deep down I just don't want to eat. I couldn't keep a baby or Prim alive so why should I be alive. I don't intend to kill myself, I don't think I do anyway. But every time that I think about pulling myself together, I see our unborn baby and the look that was on Peeta's face in the hospital and I just slump back down.

Each time Peeta comes in the room he kisses me- on my cheeks, my forehead, my hands- and whispers some form of encouragement or statement of love. I try and say it back, but by the time I decide what I could possibly say to make things ok, he's gone. The next day brings with it much of the same, only in the morning Peeta strips off my clothes and carries me to the bathroom, where he bathes me, like a child, as I continue to stare off into the distance. I'm ashamed of this, of course, but I don't know what to do. I can see that he looks equally as broken as I feel inside but he is holding it together for me. He washes my hair and then lifts me out of the bath tub, wrapping a towel around me. He kisses my cheek, "I'll leave you to get dressed." With this he walks out of the room and I'm happy to be alone. I lock the bathroom door and slide down it to the floor where I allow a few tears to escape.

I have to stop myself before I go past the point of no return. I replace my sadness with the mask of indifference that I've been wearing for nearly a week now and return to the bed, still wrapped in a towel, too broken to move. I hear him, he's in the hallway right outside the bedroom door and he's pacing back and forth. The rhythm of his feet is comforting, like rainfall on a window pane, and so I fall asleep to the steady rhythm that Peeta brings to everything. I must have slept deeply because when I wake I am dressed in pyjamas, but I don't recall how. By the sounds of it, Peeta has moved his anxious pacing downstairs, and I can hear him muttering urgently to someone, I can't hear the other person and so assume he's on the phone. That or he's gone mad. I'm the unstable one in this relationship so I guess he is on the phone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors note- Thank you for such lovely reviews, would really appreciate more :) It means a lot to me that so many people have added this story to their alerts and favourites. Enjoy xx**

He appears with yet more food that he knows will go untouched, but I know that he feels obliged to bring it to me, like he feels it's the only thing he can do to help right now. He's wrong though. It doesn't help for me to see the sadness in his eyes every time he comes in the room. He sits next to me on the bed and opens his mouth to speak, he can't find the right words and so he just kisses my cheek and leaves me alone. I decide that it's time for me to start trying, this isn't doing either of us any good. And so for the first time in a week I acknowledge my food and pick up my spoon. I want to eat it, not because I'm hungry (which, surprisingly, I'm not) but because I can see how much I'm hurting Peeta. My attempt, however, is pathetic I put one spoonful of the broth in my mouth and then sit and mess with the bread. Peeta comes in and smiles a little as he sees that a few bites have been taken from the bread. At seeing his smile, I feel a bit warmer inside. The smile is still tainted with grief and worry but for the first time since I woke up in hospital, it seems genuine.

The next day I'm surprised that there is a knock at the door. Haymitch always just walks in, a lot of the time it's because he's drunk and thinks this is his house, and nobody else ever really visits. I hear two voices coming from downstairs, Peeta's and a woman. She speaks softly and stops often for long periods of time. I now remember hearing Peeta on the phone and presume that he has asked my mother to come and take care of me. Shortly after the two of them stop talking there is a quiet know on the bedroom door. I don't answer but the door opens anyway. It's not my mother as I thought but someone I would never have expected but am so happy to see. Standing in the door way with a slight smile playing on her lips is Annie.

"Hi, Katniss," She says quietly, I look at her and attempt a small smile. She comes towards the bed slowly, like she is afraid that she might startle me. This makes me wonder how fragile I must look. She sits on the edge of the bed and opens her mouth to speak. No words come out though, she seems to be in a sort of trance and for a few minutes she simply stares out of the window. I now understand the long pauses in her conversation with Peeta. She did this a lot in District thirteen, but it was never this bad. I guess that she has been this way since Finnick died.

"I know that what happened was awful and I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am." There is absolute sincerity in her voice as she says this, just as there is when she says "But you need to understand that Peeta lost a baby too, and now he is losing you too Katniss. I know it's hard, but this has to stop, do you understand?" It's odd, I don't think I have ever heard Annie sound angry until now. "You are killing yourself, and Peeta will be lost without you. I know, I've been there…" She's gone again, for a few minutes she becomes lost in some memory of Finnick.

"You have a choice here Katniss, a choice that so many others didn't have. You can choose to live. You _have_ to choose to live." She begins to cry and it's now that I decide to break my silence. "It's my fault, I… I just can't face him right now and see the pain that he's in." It feels strange, to talk after so long. "Yeah, he is in pain, Katniss, of course he is, but that pain could be so much less…it would be better for both of you to talk about how you feel. If Finnick were still here, I wouldn't waste a second. You never know how long you're going to have together." Her eyes are closed as she says this and I feel so selfish. "How do you cope, Annie? Without Finnick" I ask, I feel a bit intrusive but I need to know how you get passed this. "I wouldn't really say that I _cope_. The world carries on, regardless of who lives and who dies and so do I. Little Finn keeps me busy, but I find myself imagining him playing with Finnick." Her face goes blank and I know to leave her alone with her thoughts for now. "Sometimes, I go into my head for a while. Memories, and then I come back and realise that I've been zoned out for over an hour with a five year old trying to get my attention. We're all broken , Katniss, but the world carries on." I simply nod at this statement because it's true. My life went on when Prims ended, just as Annie continues on without Finnick.

"So, how much longer are you going to keep looking right through him, Katniss? You need each other, now more than ever, so _look at him_ and _love _him, because he loves you, so much." As she says this I think back to a comment that Haymitch made years ago, he said that I could live for 100 years and I still wouldn't deserve him, he was right. I've been so selfish,_ he_ lost a baby _too_. I look at Annie whose eyes stare off into another time and place. "I talk to him every night, you know? I tell him about my day, I tell him that I love him and miss him. Or I write him letters, I pretend that he has gone to the capitol like he used to and that the letter must have gotten lost in the mail and that's why he hasn't replied. I miss him, Katniss… So much and I don't think that'll ever go away, not really." She gets up and leaves the room, still in a trance, wiping her tears away.

I follow her out of the room at an incredibly slow pace, I'm honestly a bit scared to face him after what I've put him through. I'm also a bit ashamed at how I've acted, and worried that I might break down and cry again. I find him and Annie in the kitchen, she looks at him and then takes Finn by the hand, "we'll give you two some privacy." She scoops him up in her arms and heads back upstairs. "Hi." It's not much, it's certainly not enough but it's all that I can think to say. "Hi, I've missed you." The guilt hits me like a tonne of bricks, I was focused on how much I had hurt him and not on how much I've been hurting him since we got home. "You hungry?" He says with a sweet smile on his face. I smile back and nod and walk right into his open arms. I realise now, just how much I have missed this sort of human interaction, "I've missed you too."


	7. Chapter 7

**AN- I am so grateful for all of the alerts/favourites and for my few reviewers so a big huge thank you. I would really love more reviews, they give me motivation. It might be a few days before I next upload as I have two exams this week, but I will try to be as quick as possible getting chapters out. As always, Enjoy xxx**

We both sit in silence as I finish three helpings of stew, he stares at me the entire time in worry but whenever I look up and catch him, he just gives me a reassuring smile, which I return as best as I can. After I've eaten we both sit on the sofa, his arms still around me tightly, we don't talk but it's comforting to have him there. I whisper into the quiet air, the one question that I'm so afraid to ask, afraid of his answer, "Do you still love me? After the way I've acted, I…" I don't know how to finish my sentence, he senses this and answers, "Always, you know that." With this I relax a little and let my guard down. We both fall into a light sleep, in each other's arms in the soft glow coming from the fire place. Sometime later, Peeta wakes me so that we can move upstairs. My muscles feel stiff and so I stumble along with Peeta's arms around my waist for support. When we are outside our bedroom we hear a quiet, shaky voice. I realise then that it's Annie, she's telling Finnick about her day, about me and Peeta. Again the shame overwhelms me, I know that Finnick isn't really there but I imagine what he would think about the way I've behaved. Peeta and I don't eavesdrop on Annie and leave her to grieve in peace. We go to bed and Peeta holds me like he has done every night, but tonight I hold him too and sleep more soundly than I have in such a long time.

We wake up in the morning, still in each other's arms, and hear Annie moving around downstairs. We get up because Annie is a guest in our house and so we can't leave her by herself. It's still quite early but we both feel obliged to make sure that Annie and Finn are alright. Peeta makes breakfast as Annie and I talk, mainly about how things are going in District Four, she doesn't mention the baby, though, which I'm happy about. She looks spent and I assume that she didn't get much sleep last night, I heard her crying before I fell asleep and I'm guessing that it carried on for much longer after that. We all eat breakfast rather cheerily, considering the less than cheerful reason for her visit and it's almost as if all is forgotten, which is nice but I have a feeling that once she goes home this afternoon Peeta and I will need a bit more time to process things.

We take Annie and Finn to the train station, it feels nice to breathe in the fresh air after being cooped up inside for so long. It's a tainted pleasure though because the whole way there I can feel anxiety building up in my chest and tying my stomach into knots. I know that Peeta has had to put on a brave face while Annie's been here and I can see the façade beginning to crack, I'm starting to see the pain again. I can't let my mind leave again though, no matter how much it hurts, I _have_ to choose to live. I have a choice that the others didn't get. I keep replaying Annie's words in my head, knowing that she was speaking the entire truth and so I need to do as she said. Peeta has been here for me, been strong for me and now it's my turn to be the comforting one, his turn to grieve.

When we reach the train station Annie hugs us both and plants kisses on our cheeks. When she leans into kiss mine she whispers "Remember Katniss, remember to look at him…As often as you can, Ok? Just love him." I hold her close to me, it's ironic really, the girl that they all label as crazy is the source of my sanity and I will be grateful forever. As they board their train Peeta holds his hand out for me and as Annie's last words to me play through my head I take his hand without any hesitation.

When we get home, we talk, we _really_ talk. I apologise profusely over and over again and personally think that Peeta is being far too forgiving, but it's Peeta so I guess it was wrong for me to expect the worst. I don't really know what to say so I let Peeta initiate the conversation and I hope to just follow on from there, but he stumps me when he asks, "Can you tell me, Katniss, what was going through your head? Why would you think it would be better to not talk about? Too starve yourself." I think it's best to be honest but then I think about how awful he will feel if I tell him that the main reason was that I felt guilty for hurting him, so I give another reason. "I've already failed Prim, and now I've failed this baby, it didn't even see the world. We didn't even see our baby's face. I'm sorry." It's still the truth and I have still managed to apologise, but this will hurt him less.

I ask Peeta about his week, we usually have long talks like this every night but now I have a lot to catch up on. He begins without asking any questions, probably guessing that I need a distraction. He doesn't go into detail on checking in on me or how much he was worrying. Instead, he tells me about work and about how things are going at the bakery. I'm a bit shocked to hear that he has been at work every day because he was bringing me food and checking in on me at least every 2 hours. I had presumed that he hadn't gone to work because it takes him half an hour to get there on foot. He leaves at about 5:30 am but he has been here to bring me breakfast at about 9 am every morning which means he's been going all the way to work to come back after less than three hours, and I work out in my mind that he must have done this at least four or five times throughout the day. I feel even guiltier now because he has been walking all that way and I couldn't even take a minute to acknowledge him. "Why were you coming home so often? I.. it's just, it's a long walk, especially on your leg." My voice sounds shaky, like I might cry at any minute. Peeta just ruffles my hair a bit and says "Because I love you, that's why." This makes me smile a little, and this one doesn't feel forced. "I was worried, every day when I went to work I actually planned to stay all day. But after a few hours I found myself worrying that you were lonely or hungry or that maybe you might leave if you thought I didn't care enough to check in on you." I can hear the weeks of panic all culminate into this sentence. " I wouldn't do that, I love you too." I snuggle up closer to him on the sofa and he carries on telling me about his week as he plays with my hair.

When he's finished his run down of the week he leans down and kisses the top of my head, "We can try again Katniss, not just yet. But when we're ready, we can't let fear stop us anymore. I love you and no matter how far in the future it is, we will love our child and our family will be safe. I promise." It gives me so much comfort to know that there is no rush, but to know that when the time comes, everything will be fine and our child will be perfect. We head up to bed and lie in the darkness, both perfectly content again, having gotten things off our minds. I stroke up and down his arm as he continues to gently play with my hair. We do this until we both fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: So much for a few days, huh? I just can't seem to stop writing this. When I have breaks from revision, I end up doing this instead of actually having a break. Oh well, who needs qualifications anyway? Just kidding Again, this is a bit on the explicit side of things, so if that's not really your thing, sorry. I'm getting more and more reviews/alerts/ favourites and it means so much to me, Thank you. And of course, Enjoy xxx**

The following week, we have to go back to the hospital for a check-up. It brings all of the pain from the past three weeks to the front of my mind, but Peeta and I are in a better place now. Things feel almost back to normal. I know that there is a chance that it will never be exactly the same but we thought that about Peeta's hijacking too, we have hope, we always keep trying.

We go into the exam room and to be honest I'm not really sure what to expect, I have no idea what this sort of examination entails. I soon find out though and it's uncomfortable and a bit painful as Delly probes around inside me with some sort of metal device. I spend the entire time squirming and wincing and I can feel Peeta's worried eyes on my face as I grip his hand tighter and tighter. "Well, everything looks ok. You suffered a full miscarriage so there is no need for you to take any medication." At this point she gives us both a sad smile which we have seen so many of over the past few weeks. She then tells us that as of next week, we can start trying to conceive again and as she says this I can feel Peeta's eyes flicker in my direction but I pretend not to notice.

As we are about to leave she asks Peeta if he's been sleeping ok. I know why she's asking, he looks exhausted and to be honest I'm not surprised, he works form 6am until 6pm and sometimes he goes in early or stays late. Then to top it all off he's been having nightmares every night. He lies though and tells her that he is fine; I guess we are more alike than anyone would have thought. She knows him well though and see's through his lies. She tells him to sort it out with his staff and find a way to get a few days off, he agrees but she doesn't look too convinced. "Katniss, make sure he takes some time off. Look at him, he looks exhausted." Peeta leaves the room then and she asks me quickly how much sleep he's really getting. It feels like a betrayal but I tell her anyway because I'm worried. In the past when he's had episodes it's been when he has been under stress. He hasn't had one for a while now- not since he first opened the bakery and he was working all hours to get the place running smoothly. But lately he is far more stressed than I've ever seen him.

I leave the room and find him waiting for me outside. I feel like I'm in trouble as he gives me a dirty look; he knows I told on him. But I'm forgiven quickly and he holds out his hand for me. As we walk past the bakery he kisses me gently on the lips and tells me to go home. "I'm going to sort out the new schedule now, you should probably go home, and I'll be right behind you." I leave but I know that he won't be right behind me. He'll take his time because he doesn't really like having to ask too much of his staff. He hasn't had any time off since the bakery opened and they're all our friends so I doubt it will be a problem.

When I arrive home, Haymitch is sat on his porch and calls me over. "Where's lover boy?" He asks jokingly, it doesn't sound snarky or rude though which makes a nice change. I explain to Haymitch that he is sorting out a way to get some time off. "Good! That boy needs some time off, especially now after what the two of you went through the other week." I realise now that Haymitch isn't slurring his words and there is no faint whiff of liquor, as rare as it is, I think he's sober. "…And I've noticed that his leg is playing up, he's been limping for days." I'm confused at this and my face must give me away because Haymitch says, "Don't tell me you haven't noticed, he's been hobbling around for days." He shakes his head and mutters "Women." There it is, back to his usual snarky self. "I'll see you later, Haymitch." I say as I walk away towards our house, making a mental note that I need to check if Haymitch is right about Peeta's leg.

Peeta walks through the door late. Very late, despite Delly's warnings. He looks absolutely exhausted and as he walks towards me I can't help but notice that Haymitch was right. "Hi, you must be hungry." I try to sound concerned but it sounds like I'm pissed off. "I'm sorry it took so long, sweetheart, but if it makes any consolation I will be home all day tomorrow." He says with a slight grin because he knows that there is no chance that I can be annoyed at that. "well good, you need a break." I say as I put his dinner on the table. "I already ate, sorry, you were longer than I thought you'd be. Has your leg been bothering you? I noticed you limping before, is everything alright?" No need to tell him that Haymitch has been keeping an eye on him as well. "Don't you worry about me, it's just because I've been doing a lot of walking recently. I'll be fine once I get a few days' rest, if you stop nagging at me all the time!" This makes me step back a bit, he never talks like this, not to anyone. He doesn't even raise his voice when we are _actually_ fighting. "Sorry, I know you're just worried, but honestly, I'm fine." He seems to be back to his normal self and smiles at me, "It's alright, you are just stressed out. We'll have to spend the next few days trying to calm you down." I say this with a small smile so that he doesn't think I'm babying him, scared that he might shout again. "Why wait for the next few days?" He says, grinning, and I'm confused.

He walks towards me and kisses me forcefully, lifting me up at the same time. I wrap my legs around his waist as he pushes me against the kitchen counter. I wonder for a minute whether it's ok for us to do this, Delly said in a week, but I doubt I could get a word in anyway. He is rougher than usual and I like it. It's usually safe and slow but this is exciting and new. As I sit on the counter he slips his hand into my underwear and then I feel two of his fingers enter me. It takes practically no time at all for me to come, having not had this level of intimacy for so long. He removes his hand as he walks to the sofa carrying me, then he throws me down and is immediately on top of me. I feel him enter me and my moans are loud. He's gripping me hard on the ass as he thrusts in and out. "mmmm..P..Peeta" This is all I can say, these sounds come out of my mouth over and over again. I come again just before he does. As he comes he puts his lips to my neck and sucks.

We both lie there panting and sweating, waiting for our hearts to slow. This was so different and allow I did like how it felt, something wasn't right. Peeta is usually so gentle and romantic, it's like he is a completely different person, he's changed. We both go up to bed, and after having two orgasms, I fall soundly to sleep. I wake up again after a few hours, my joints aching from Peeta's rough play. I can hear his loud heavy breathing and as I open my eyes I see that he is staring at me. What happens next is so quick that I don't see it coming. He lunges at me across the bed and I see it in his eyes, he's gone. I scream as loud as I can, "Haymitch! Haymitch help!" As Peeta wraps his strong hands around my neck I hope to God that Haymitch can hear me. "Peeta, it's me, It's Katniss. I love you. Real." I get out as many words as I can in a strangled voice and hope that he understands. I use my hand and bang on the wall as hard as I can, hoping that Haymitch hears it. I use my hands to try and pry his from my throat, it's no good so I bite him. He lets go instantly and I try my best to pin his arms down, still shouting Haymitch.

Peeta is incredibly strong and so I don't last long, within a minute he is on top of me with his hands wrapped as tight as tourniquets around my arms. I'm struggling underneath him, swapping my voice between a peaceful pleading voice to try and talk him out of his episode and a loud scream to Haymitch. I hear the front door open and so does Peeta. "You're a Mutt! I will kill you, if you shout one more time!" He screams just inches from my face and it makes me tremble and start to cry. Haymitch runs into the room and grabs Peeta off me. Peeta then tries to grip Haymitch around the neck but before he has the chance to do so, Haymitch punches Peeta hard in the face, knocking him out. I pull my knees up and sit hugging them to me as I start to cry. It's never been that bad before, usually I'm able to talk him out of it. Haymitch quickly makes his way around the bed, coming towards me. It's silly but I instinctively jump back a bit and he slows down and holds his hands up in mock surrender. "It's alright, Katniss. Are you ok?" I nod, it wasn't Peeta, not really. He didn't mean to hurt me. I tell myself these things over and over again. "Come on," Haymitch says as he picks me up off the bed, "You can sleep at my house, just in case he's still like this when he wakes up." As he carries me down the stairs, I thank God that he is still sober.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN- Sooo, even though it's not been**_** that **_**long since I last updated, it was the longest that I have made you wait so far. I am apologising profusely, but I had an exam today so don't kill me :) I also have another exam on Friday but I will try and get another chapter out tomorrow. Thanks again for reviews and stuff, more would be appreciated and I will reward you with my love and possibly faster updates (the reviews motivate to write more because I love to please you lovely people.) Enjoy xx**

I wake up in the seldom used spare bedroom of Haymitch's house - he doesn't get too many house guests- and hear both Peeta and Haymitch's voices. I can tell by the tone that Haymitch is angry with Peeta and that Peeta is back to his normal self, he sounds miserable and extremely apologetic. All three of us know that it wasn't Peeta's fault, but it was just so unexpected and I doubt that I am the only one who is a little shaken up by it.

Despite knowing that he is back to his lovable self, I jump when Peeta knocks on the door. When I don't answer he speaks through the door, "Katniss, are you alright sweetheart? I'm so sorry, I didn't even realise what I was doing." I get up and walk to the door, worried that my voice wouldn't make it all the way across the room. I open the door and hug him, "I'm fine now, it just shook me up a bit, that's all." I feel him instantly relax as I say this and I do too, _this _is my Peeta. He holds my face and pulls me back from our embrace as he tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "How's your face? It looks pretty bad." I ask, worried, I had no idea that Haymitch would react like that. Peeta laughs and shakes his head at me "It's fine, Katniss. I had it coming any way." I don't understand how he finds this at all funny, so rather than laughing at his distasteful joke, I lean in to kiss him. As I do he moves his hands to my arms and I wince and pull back. He looks upset. I think that he thinks I'm scared of him, I'm still jumpy but I know the difference between my Peeta and the Capitol creation from last night.

He looks down to where his hands were just a minute ago. As he sees the bruises that cover the top of my arms he closes his eyes tightly and pinches the top of his nose between his thumb and index finger, sighing and shaking his head. Now I decide that I need to make him see the funny side of things again, I don't like seeing him like this. "You think that's bad?" I laugh a little at what is about to come out of my mouth because it is so inappropriate, given the situation. "You should see my ass." He looks up at me to give me a disapproving look, but something in my expression causes him to burst out into laughter. I probably looked a little bit like a little girl who just cursed in front of her parents. I don't usually say things like that and it felt a bit weird. Mine and Peeta's relationship is more romantic than that and that just felt too smutty and dirty. Although I only said ass, I was still talking about our sex life, and in some one else's house. As I consider this, I can feel my cheeks flooding with colour. "it's ok to talk about sex you know. It's funny, you can walk the walk but when it comes to talking about it you get so embarrassed." This makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't know how to reply. "I know but it just…" I can't get the words out which proves that he is right. "It's actually normal for married couples to talk about it, you know?" At this I just blush again which gets him laughing again. He takes my hand in his as we head out of the bedroom and he still has an extremely amused look on his face. "Come on, let's go home, shall we? I've got the whole day off, maybe you can show me what you meant before. You know, about your ass." And now I understand why the smirk is still plastered across his face.

It's nice spending time with Peeta, we usually only have an hour at lunch and our evenings together so this is a luxury, it's nice to have someone here in the day time to talk to. We spend the whole day just lounging around on the sofa and fooling around in the bedroom, it's nice that neither of us has anything that we _need_ to do. The day is almost perfect, slightly tainted by the fact that Peeta feels the need to call the bakery at least every two hours to make sure that everything is going well. When the evening rolls around, I find it strange that I am so tired because we have had possibly the laziest day ever. I put it down to the lack of fresh air. After dinner we decide to go to bed early, this is a huge luxury for Peeta as for the first time in over year he doesn't have to worry about being up at 5am for work.

When I wake in the morning I immediately have to run to the bathroom. Peeta wakes up shortly afterwards to hear me throwing up. He comes into the bathroom just as I'm rinsing my mouth with water and gives me a disapproving look. "You ok?" He asks but I know that it isn't what he had originally planned to say. "I'm fine, must just be a stomach bug or something." I'm waiting now, for him to say it now, I can see the look of concentration on his face, "You aren't doing anything today, ok? All you've done for weeks is worry, mainly about me and I'm fine. You need to relax, Katniss. This isn't a stomach bug, you have _literally_ worried yourself sick." He must have been worried that I would think he was patronizing me, but he's probably right. He usually is. "I think you're right." I tell him as I head back to the bedroom and sit on the bed. "What time are you going into work today?" I ask hoping that he has another day off. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetie, I'm going to stay right here all day and take care of you." I smile at him, genuinely happy. "Thank you, what did I do to deserve you, huh?" I say it jokingly but I'm actually serious, when I think about my life, I don't see anything notable that would earn me some one as amazing as him, I don't say this out loud though because it sounds a bit pathetic. "Well, you must've done something right." He replies, keeping the mood light. I laugh but then the nausea hits again and I clamp my hand over my mouth and rush to the bathroom.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN- Again, I am super sorry that this is late (my bad) I've just been really busy with exams and stuff, plus it took me ages to write, I just couldn't think of the right way to word things so I kept writing and then deleting and rewriting, which I don't normally do. Usually I just get it all out in one go and don't have time to edit. I've gotten a few more reviews so thank you to all of those lovely people and to those who have added me as an author or the story to their favourites or reviews, it is greatly appreciated. Enjoy xx**

"Katniss, Katniss are you ok?" I wake up, freezing, and hear Peeta's frantic voice and feel him touching my face gently. I look around in confusion and see that I am on the floor in our bedroom. I don't remember what happened but I'm assuming that I fainted on my way to or from the bathroom and then the light headedness and the horrible little flip in my stomach confirms that I'm right. I sit up a bit and judging from Peeta's expression he can tell that I'm going to vomit again and grabs a bowl. He holds the bowl for me and holds my hair back with his other hand. "Go away. You don't have to…" But I'm cut off by another torrent of vomit. When I'm pretty sure that I'm finished, I slump down and put my head on Peeta's lap. He strokes my forehead with his thumb, "I'm not going anywhere, silly. You're always looking after other people, let me look after you, ok?" I don't really want him to see me like this, I probably look disgusting but I'm too tired to argue so I just nod.

A few days later, things begin to brighten up-marginally. Effie is here again for another visit, only this time she seems to be far less concerned with being inconspicuous about her true reason for visiting and she spends almost all of her time at Haymitch's house. This in particular makes me wish that I wasn't stuck in the bedroom all day- Haymitch was right, the walls are like paper. They both stop by and Effie brings some soup that she made, it's some strange Capitol concoction, it's has an odd odour and has a pinkish colour to it, it does not look edible. She comes into the room saying in her ever so cheerful voice "I brought you some soup, it'll help you feel better, I know that it's exactly what you need!" As she says this, both Peeta and Haymitch who are stood behind her, shake their heads at me and I find it hard to stop myself from laughing. Haymitch makes a joke about how Peeta and I should keep it down next time we decide to have sex in the middle of the day, a remark to which Effie reacts with a flirtatious slap on the arm and a giggle. Me and Peeta exchange very amused expressions. I now understand why there hasn't been a single drop of alcohol in Haymitch's house for weeks. It's no secret that Effie can't stand the stuff. They leave quickly once the flirting begins and I ask Peeta if I would be able to go downstairs for a while, the last thing I want to help with nausea is the noises coming from next doors bedroom.

After a week or so of non-stop vomiting Peeta makes me go to the hospital-this is something that I am not at all happy about. "Katniss, do you think there's any chance that you're pregnant again?" He tries to seem nonchalant but I can hear the hope in his voice, see the fear and sadness in his eyes. I shake my head "No, it doesn't feel the same as last time." I tell him the truth, there's no point in getting his hopes up. "Not every pregnancy is the same though, right? I mean maybe there was more wrong than we thought last time, maybe this is how it's supposed to feel." He says encouragingly, but it's no use, I'm definitely not pregnant. I'm not late, I don't tell him this though, I don't want to hurt him. Instead I just shake my head, "Maybe." I say as we walk through the doors together.

When we leave the hospital, we are silent, there are no words, there's only fear. I am pregnant,_ I'm pregnant, what?_ Since the last time, we have been so careful, we always use protection and now _this_. When Delly told us the news, there were about five seconds in which Peeta and I were ecstatic, but that wasn't the only news she had. There's a reason that I thought I wasn't pregnant, I had my period last week. "Katniss, you have a condition called Placenta Previa, it's not really a big deal as long as we monitor it." At that point my head was already frantic, her consoling went unnoticed completely. She continued on "This can lead to early labour and haemorrhaging. That's why you've still been having some bleeding. As long as you come in once a month from now on, we should be able to keep on top of this, ok?" We both nodded and then left, without a word. When we get to the exit of the hospital Peeta says that he needs to run back because he thinks he has left his jacket. He's not long though and when he returns we walk home, hand in hand, silent and scared.

"Katniss, sweetheart. We need to talk about this, I spoke to Delly. Carrying this baby could kill you, if you haemorrhage and lose too much blood." He shakes his head slowly and looks at the ground. Things have been pretty tense since we got the news. For the past week we've tried to act like nothing's changed, but it has. "I can't lose you, we can make another baby. I can't make another you though, Katniss." He has a point but it's not one that I'm willing to accept. I walk towards him and cup his cheek in my hand. "We've lost so many people Peeta, and we have had to deal with it, because there's never been a choice." I step back now so that I can look him in the eyes. "I've dealt with it, we have dealt with it. We tell ourselves that whatever has happened was meant to be. So maybe you and me and every second we have spent together was leading to here. The games. The rebellion. All of it." He's looking back at me now, with the most heart breaking expression I've ever seen. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, I'm so used to being the broken one, I don't know how to pick up the pieces. If it were the other way around, Peeta would have changed my mind immediately. I try to think what he would say. "It's one thing for us to have to watch the ones we love die, but it's completely different to be the ones taking a life." He opens his mouth to speak, but it's a while before any words come out. "But what if you don't make it Katniss, what if you leave me with a baby. A baby without a mother. I…I can't do that." I put my hand against his chest, "That won't happen, I can feel it, ok? The three of us are going to be just fine." But my voice catches and it sounds like I'm going to cry. "And honey, if something does happen, promise me that you will live your life and love our baby. And remember that whatever happens, it's meant to be."

He pushes my hand of his chest and walks to the other side of the kitchen with his hands balled into fists. "And how am I supposed to feel about the baby that took you away from me, Katniss?" I let out a small, hysterical giggle, because this is something that I can't believe he's thinking. "Peeta, I'm not worried about that, not for a second. You are loving and caring, you are not the sort of person who would begrudge a baby. _Our_ baby." I walk towards him, slowly, unsure as to whether he wants me close to him right now. But it's Peeta, so of course he opens his arms and holds me close to his chest. "And like I said, I have a feeling that I'm not going anywhere." His lips are pressed against the top of my head and at this I can feel him smiling. "Real or not real?" He asks, his lips still pressed in my hair. "Real, I promise it's real."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN- Again, this is a bit later than intended but still not too much of a delay. Fear not though for I have excellent news. As of Wednesday afternoon I will have pretty much nothing better to do with my time but write, I will be exam free. So things might stay at this rate until then but I promise to make it up to you afterwards. I hope that you have liked this so far and I have much more where all this came from. I'm grateful to have gotten more reviews, however the number is still quite low, so if you read this story and you like it, why not write about what you like and if you don't like something then write a review telling me how I can improve. I like a bit of constructive criticism, I can't become a better writer if you don't let me know when I'm doing something wrong. Anywayyy, Enjoy xx**

Another two weeks pass and although I still catch him stealing worried glances at me, things are better. We are both trying to act like nothing has changed, going about our days as usual. We haven't told anyone, it's too soon. As far as I'm concerned it will always be too soon, but we're going to have to tell people eventually. Every day I walk past the closed door to the old office and ignore it, I act like it's not there and I'm not going to acknowledge until we know for definite that this baby isn't going anywhere. We shouldn't have decorated it so soon last time. Every day I see Peeta walk past and stop for a moment, just staring at the wooden door, I think that he wants to go in but that he is basing his actions on whatever I do. I think he knows that I can't face it just yet. It hurts just to think of the perfect room, sat there just waiting for a baby. When we first decorated I spent hours sat in the rocking chair. It felt like how Christmas Eve felt as a child, all excitement and anticipation. It's silly but I'm scared to open the door to that room even though in my mind I can see every last detail. But I ignore it all the same, it's better to pretend that it's not there than to get all worked up about it.

Over the next few weeks Peeta and I actually take the time to acknowledge the fact that there are now three of us in the family. This is something we didn't really do last time, and I'm worried that it might have made a difference, so we talk about the baby and Peeta says how much he loves our family even though at the minute it is just the two of us. I find myself with my hands on my stomach quite often, only I don't realise that I'm doing it, I suppose that this is because I actually want this baby, maybe it's some sort of motherly instinct to protect the baby even before it's born. At night as we sleep I feel Peeta's arms around me and he rests his hands on my stomach, as nice as I find all of these things, it makes me feel guilty that our other baby got none of this because I was too afraid to face the responsibilities of motherhood. "Katniss?" Peeta says in the darkness of our bedroom, "I was just wondering if you've thought of any names yet?" I'm glad the room's dark and that he can't really see my response to this. It's too soon for this. "Errm, no, not really. Have you?" I try to sound as natural as possible, to act like this is a conversation that I'm comfortable with, which is harder than it sounds. "Well, no. But I was thinking, are we going to name her after someone or…?" I know what he means, he means Prim. But I can't, I won't be able to say our child's name if it's Prim. "I think it would be better not to. This is our fresh start, I don't want to keep living in the past, ok? We have to look forward." With this he just holds me closer to him, "I know we do, I was hoping you'd say that because I bought a book of baby names." I just smile at this because even though it's so soon, it is nice that we are both mutually happy about something. "You said 'her.'" I have other ideas about this, he knows that I'm fairly certain that it's a boy. "I did, because I think that _she _is a girl. I'll make you a deal, if it is a boy, which I doubt it will be, then you can name him. If it's a girl, I'm naming her." I turn around to face him now, with a huge smile on my face. "Now then Mr Mellark, you have yourself a deal." I say as I lean in to kiss him.

We are now eighteen weeks in, nearly halfway there and we can't go any longer now. I have spent weeks in the house, with occasional visits to the garden to get some fresh air. We told Effie and Haymitch about a month ago because there was absolutely no way of hiding this from them. But now I am getting sick of this house and to be honest I need to interact with someone other than Peeta, Haymitch and Effie. I had planned to tell Gale as well but when I called to tell him, he told me that Leyton had given birth to a baby girl that same day, I was worried that it might seem like I was raining on his parade a bit, that was two weeks ago and I've still not told him. I feel awful though, that I still haven't seen baby Cariana, Peeta has though. He went and told Gale that I had gotten ill and that I didn't want the baby to catch it. He came home all broody and kept saying how beautiful she was, I'm sure she is because it's no secret that both Leyton and Gale are incredibly good looking. Her name means little darling, which is perfect, although I'm not sure that they knew this at the time. I think they just liked the name, but it fits anyway. I still haven't thought of any good boy's names but I have seen Peeta with that book of names in his hands nearly every day, so at least if this baby is a girl she will have a decent name.

"Hey, still not narrowed down your choices, I see." I say as I sit next to Peeta on the sofa. He has a list of names on a piece of paper, quite an extensive list actually. "You aren't allowed to see these. He says as he quickly moves the paper out of my sight. "If it's a girl then I want her name to be a complete surprise for you, have you thought of any boy's names yet?" I nod my head and say "Yeah, but _you_ aren't allowed to know them." He raises his eyebrows at me, probably because he knows that I don't have a clue and that I am just trying to wind him up. "I'm going to tell Gale tomorrow, as well as anyone else that we might bump into over the next four and a half months, don't want to be giving anyone a shock if they just see me like this, I'm getting huge." I lean in to give him a kiss, "Anyway, I am exhausted. You coming to bed soon?" I ask as I get up from the sofa stiffly. "I'll be up soon, you go and get some sleep. I love you." But he has that look in his eyes, I think he is determined to get a name picked out tonight, even if it means he doesn't sleep. "Ok, well don't be too long. Love you t…" I grab my stomach, "woahh" He jumps up off the sofa in less than a second. "WH.. what is it? You, sit down, ok? I'll call Delly." He's worried and almost out of the room when I manage to form some words. "No, Peeta don't. I'm fine, come here and feel this, he's kicking hard." He walks back towards me with evident relief on his face and as he places his hand on my stomach the little person inside me nudges right where his hand is and we both laugh.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN- Sorry that this is so late, guys. My internet has been down and it's been a nightmare, the only access that I've had was on my phone and I can't upload from that. Hopefully it will be alright from now on. I have honestly felt like smashing my computer up for the past few weeks, haha. Thank you for all of your lovely reviews and I promise that I will try and get my updating speed back to how it was :) Also I'm currently writing about Katniss and Peeta's baby and I never thought I would feel this much pressure. It's so hard to choose a name, especially considering that anyone who has read the books has wondered what their children are called. So when I update that chapter (it will be in maybe two or three chapters time) please don't hate on me for name choice, it's a hard decision….. Anywayyyyyyyy- Enjoy xx**

We spend the next week just lounging around the house, as usual and marvelling at the newly energetic little life inside of me, which is not at all the usual. Our next appointment with Delly is looming and after all the kicking, Peeta is eager to get everything checked out. Until now, it hasn't been too hard to hide the bump for our monthly visits to the hospital but now we are over half way and the weather is starting to warm up. I can't hide under coats and jumpers anymore, so I make a decision that I will go to Gale's house after the hospital and just tell him, that way I don't have to feel guilty about lying to him and I won't need to avoid him anymore which means that I can finally meet Cariana. I feel ashamed that I have put it off for so long, she is practically family.

On the day of the appointment I decide to wear a tunic, I don't particularly like it and it doesn't fully conceal the bump, but it's the best I've got. After today though, I won't need to wear things that resemble tents rather than actual dresses- although soon enough nothing else will fit me anyway. Peeta comes into the bedroom to find me staring in the mirror with a disgruntled expression on my face, at which he just laughs. "You ready to go?" He asks innocently and so there is a fair bit of shock on his face when I scream "No! Do I look ready! I am huge and I don't want to go into town looking like this!" He takes a cautious step towards me, raising his eyebrows like he is silently asking me if it's ok for him to come near me. I let out a huge sigh, I don't even know what came over me but recently I can't seem to control my emotions. One minute I'm so happy that I start crying and then the next I'm screaming at Peeta for making me look like this and then I'm crying again in fear that we are totally unprepared for this baby. So basically Peeta has no idea what to expect from whenever he walks into the room. "I'm sorry," I say shaking my head "I don't know where that came from." I walk towards the bed and we both sit on the end and he wraps one arm around me. "It's alright, I've come to expect these out bursts." He says giving me a grin "And anyway, you look perfect." Now I'm the one laughing as he kisses the top of my head.

Delly tells us that the baby is fine and that everything is as it should be, which is comforting. However, I'm sure that I look more anxious at the end of our appointment than I did at the start, because I know that now is the time to tell Gale. As we are leaving the hospital I dramatically slow my pace, wanting to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. "Katniss, you can't do this ok? Not now, you are going to have to tell him sooner or later anyway. And like you said, people will be able to tell very soon. You don't want it to be like last time when he heard it from someone else, do you?" He's right, of course he is. But that doesn't make this any easier. "Are you coming with me?" I ask in a pleading voice. "I will, but I'm going to play with Cariana and talk to Leyton in a separate room, you need to do this on your own."

I brace myself as we wait for the door to open, Peeta's hand in mine but although we are together, this feels worse than last time. First of all I have waited so long that I feel as though I've betrayed Gale and secondly, I'm worried that we will lose the baby again and have to tell everyone. If no one knows in the first place then there's no one to tell when things go wrong. Leyton answers the door then with a cheery smile on her face and a gorgeous baby in her arms. "Hi guys, it's so nice to see you Katniss. You feeling any better?" She asks as we walk into the hallway. "Yeah, thanks. I've been feeling much better." This feels wrong, like I'm just continuing to lie to them. "Is Gale in? I need to talk to him about something." Already my voice is trembling a little and I haven't even started explaining. Peeta lets go of my hand as Leyton nods towards the kitchen, then her and Peeta walk towards the living room. "Hi pretty girl, you've gotten so big since last time I saw you." I hear Peeta cooing over Cariana as I walk away from them and it makes me smile, he will be such a great dad.

I knock on the kitchen door but he doesn't answer so I just walk in. "Hi Katniss, sorry I didn't realise you were here, I would've gotten up." He says as he stands up and walks towards me, "You feeling better now? Peeta said you were pretty sick, I mean it's been over two months. I've been worried sick, you know?" He sounds genuinely upset and concerned which makes me feel worse, if he had known then at least his mind would have been at ease. "Why were you so worried, it was no big deal." I use Delly's words from our first appointment to try and convince myself that they were true, because to me it is a big deal. "You're my best friend Katniss, I felt awful that there was nothing I could do. We couldn't even visit because Peeta said it was contagious." He's starting to talk really fast which he does when he's trying to talk his way out of something or trying to weasel out of the blame for things. I laugh though, when he says it was contagious and he gives me a confused look that says _have you gone insane rom being in the house all the time. _"Gale, it wasn't contagious. I… We are pregnant again, but when I called to tell you…. You told me that Cariana had just been born and I didn't want to steal your thunder. I'm sorry, you're my person. You are the one person except from Peeta that I tell everything to and I was scared of telling you and then losing the baby." Now I'm the one talking really fast, trying to make my excuses sound reasonable. He just smiles at me "You are ridiculous, I can't believe you waited this long." He looks down at my stomach now and pauses for a second in disbelief. The bump isn't that obvious if you're not looking for it but once you know, it's as plain as day. "Exactly how pregnant are you?" He says with a small laugh, obviously trying to keep the mood light. "Nearly five months." I look at floor because saying it out loud makes it seem even worse. "Well then, I guess congratulations are in order." He wraps his arm around my shoulder and we head into the living room, where Gale tells Leyton the news and I meet baby Cariana for the first time. Peeta wasn't exaggerating at all, she is beautiful. She has thick dark hair like Gale but she has Leyton's dark green eyes. She is perfect and I can't help imagining what our baby will look like.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN- 2 in one day, I told you I was back on track :) I have a lot of making up to do to all you lovely people so I will try and keep this up. Also feel free to keep the reviews coming- I love reading them and it makes me happy to know that people like what I'm writing and motivates me to write more often. Thank you for not all disappearing during my little break there, it means a lot that you didn't all just give up on me completely. XXX**

The next month is worse than any prior to it, although it is better in some ways. It's worse because my mood swings are now officially terrible and Peeta is on edge all the time because I keep biting his head off completely out of nowhere. It's also worse because despite being six months pregnant and having not thrown up in over a month, the morning sickness is back with a vengeance. Delly says it's nothing to worry about, but she isn't the one being woken up by it at around 3am every morning and then not being able to get back to sleep. Also another thing to add to the list is that our baby seems to be nocturnal, every night he or she decides to have a little party and it's really uncomfortable now. But like I said some things are better. Gale and Leyton have been visiting and I can actually go into town now that people know. Also, Effie has actually moved to District 12 now. Although this doesn't directly affect me, her presence has resulted in an almost constantly sober Haymitch and he actually has something to do with his time so he isn't around here all day. But still, I'm most annoyed with the fact that sleep is evading me.

I lay here in bed just staring at the ceiling and thinking. I'd get up and go downstairs but it now takes a lot of effort to get off the bed and I also don't want to wake Peeta by making loads of noise. Most nights he wakes up anyway but I don't want to wake him on purpose. He is working fewer hours now but most days he still goes in early, so that he can finish at lunch. He knows I'm not sleeping because when he gets up at 5am, I'm usually still wide awake.

Most mornings I get up while Peeta is in the shower and go downstairs to make coffee for him to take to work, I would do it earlier but he needs his sleep and noise from the kitchen would wake him. He comes down and makes breakfast but I don't eat it. "Are you ok?" He asks, making me jump. I was just staring out of the window and had completely forgotten he was there. "Yeah I'm fine, just a bit tired. This little one likes to stay awake all night." I say as I pat my stomach. "Try and get some sleep today. You need it, ok? You look exhausted." He gets up and walks to me and kisses me on the lips, "I'll be home about half twelve. See you later." I nod and start to get up to walk him to the door. "You stay put, you need rest. I love you" So I sit back down and smile at him, "I love you too, bye." He's gone so I spend my usual five minutes trying to get out of the chair and move to the sofa in the living room and close my eyes.

"Hello there, sleepy head." He whispers as he plays with my hair. I start to open my eyes and see that he is crouching down next to the sofa. I squint at him as the light from the window hits my eyes, "What time is it?" I ask and my voice sounds weird and drowsy. "It's nearly one in the afternoon, you were really tired, huh? You must be hungry, I brought home some cheese buns and cinnamon swirls for afterwards." I smile at this, as much as I loved both of these things before, it was nothing compared to now. I have been craving them like crazy so I jump up as quickly as I can and follow Peeta into the kitchen. I eat my food slowly, trying not to trigger the nausea which is getting old now. This is mainly because it's disgusting but also because I don't like having to have Peeta look after me. I love him for it, obviously, but I guess it's just instilled in me, to feel weak if I need help and at the minute I've been needing a lot of help, and it's not just Peeta even Effie and Gale have been here babying me and it's getting old. I can't wait for the baby to be born just so people will start treating me normally again. "I was thinking that we should maybe start sorting things out in the nursery and we need to buy some more stuff as well." Peeta says as I finish the last few mouthfuls of a cinnamon swirl. "It's still a little early isn't it?" I ask with apparent doubt, I'm not hiding my fear to well and I'm pretty sure everyone knows that I'm putting stuff off for as long as possible. "Katniss, this baby isn't going anywhere. We can't keep putting stuff off or the baby will end up without any clothes or diapers, so we are going to go into town later and buy all the things we need and then we are going to sort out the nursery, ok?" He's right, we are going to have to do it sooner or later.

It takes a week but I'm now pretty certain that we have everything that a new born baby needs. The nursery is all tidy and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be. It upset me at first when we went in for the first time in seven and a half months but it also made me excited at the idea of our baby that will be in here in just a few months. The drawers are now filled with baby clothes which are nearly all cream so that they will be fine for a girl or a boy. The changing table is stocked up with everything we need. I wish we had left it a little longer though, because now, the waiting is killing us. We have everything we need for a baby room, except the baby. "It looks great, the baby is going to love it." Peeta says as he stands behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach. "Yeah, it's perfect in here. We still need to buy a basinet though. The baby will have to sleep in there with us for the first few months." I turn around to face him and stretch up to kiss his lips, this has become much more difficult recently, with the growing bump putting space between us.

At our seven month check up with Delly she tells me that from now on I'm pretty much on bed rest, which to be honest I'm not too upset about. I feel awful when Peeta is at work and I just do nothing and sleep all day. This kind of gives me an excuse to catch up on sleep during the day. She says that I'm allowed out of bed but only to go downstairs and sit on the sofa or to sit and eat dinner with Peeta in the evening. No heavy lifting or exercise or even standing up for too long. I only focus on the extra sleeping time but I can see the worry in Peeta's eyes, he knows that there is a reason for these orders. At this stage anything could result in haemorrhaging so I'm best off staying in bed. I try not to think about this though. Delly tells us that she will come to the house for the next appointment, so it's serious then, so serious that it's too dangerous to travel to the hospital. I'm not scared of dying, it's happened to so many people that we love that it hurts to imagine death as something scary, but I am scared of leaving Peeta. I won't put him through that, I promised him. I have to live. As she talks about various risks involved I can feel his grip on my hand getting tighter and tighter and can feel him shaking.

When Delly leaves the room I pull him in for a hug. "It's going to be alright Peeta, I'm going to be fine, I can feel it." He nods his head at my words as he holds me tighter to him and says through gritted teeth, "You promised me, you promised you wouldn't leave." He pulls back from our embrace and puts his hands on either side of my face "I need you to keep that promise." His eyes are welling up and his voice is weak. "I promised, didn't I? I don't go back on my promises." I give him a slight smile and kiss his lips gently. "I love you." We both say it simultaneously and we let out a small weak laugh and then head home from the hospital. This will be the last time we make this journey home alone, next time there will either be three of us or the two of them. No, there will definitely be three of us.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN- So this chapter is quite short but I think I will upload the next one at some point today. Also the pressure of naming this child is getting to me- there are too many people to try and please! I have a name picked out and once its uploaded (which will be soon- probably tomorrow), if everyone hates it I will cry- you have a fair warning there so be nice. As always reviews are welcomed and enjoy xxx**

Bed rest is getting boring now. The only time I ever get out of bed is to go the bathroom and occasionally to go downstairs and resume the same position on the sofa. My legs ache all the time because even when I do go down stairs, Peeta usually carries me or wraps his arm around my waist so that he is taking most of my weight. I'm pretty sure that once the baby is born I will have lost my ability to walk. On top of all of this I have permanent bed hair which Effie keeps trying to fix when she stops by. Honestly, it is sweet what she's doing but she did my hair the other day and then Gale came to visit and he couldn't stop laughing. I'm sure I looked ridiculous but still, I've been very temperamental recently so I yelled at him and made him leave. He's not been back yet which means that I either really hurt his feelings or, more likely, he just doesn't fancy his chances around me and my mood swings at the minute. Another six weeks to go, another six weeks in bed being treated like an invalid. It was nice at first to have people doing stuff for me but it soon got old. I've tried getting up to do stuff around the house to pass the time- which goes by very slowly when all you do is look at the clock- but Peeta won't let me.

He comes into the room like he does at about this time every evening, "How are you doing? Are you feeling ok? Has the baby been kicking? Have you felt sick at all today?" I smile at him because I don't think he realises that he's doing it. "Give me a minute to think…. I'm fine, yes I'm feeling ok. The baby was kicking a little bit about an hour ago and so far so good on the vomiting front. So, because I feel ok, do you think I'd be able to come down stairs for dinner tonight?" I ask in an almost pleading voice, I have been in this room now for three days straight and the last time I left it was only for the 45 minutes I spent eating dinner. "Well, I don't see why not. But if you start to feel light headed or weird in any way, you have to tell me." I can tell that he doesn't want me to go down stairs but I am in desperate need of escape from this room. Even if he had said no I would have argued with him until he let me. "I promise, if the baby so much as kicks harder than usual you will be the first to know, well actually third after me and the baby." He laughs at this, probably sensing that there doesn't seem to be a mood swing on its way. "Now, does your highness wish to walk tonight or shall I have her loyal man servant carry her?" He asks in his best attempt at a Capitol accent. "I'll walk thanks, but the man servant's assistance may be required."

After dinner I spend a good deal of time trying to stand up from my chair, getting more agitated and out of breath with each attempt. Peeta gets up to help me but I shove him away. "Don't! I am not completely useless, ok? I can stand up by myself! I'm sick of other people doing stuff for me." I close my eyes and try to calm myself down, this is completely irrational. "I don't mind helping you, sweetheart. I'm just trying to do the best for you and the baby." He says in a soothing voice, he knows as well as I do that I'm likely to scream at him. I don't want to but I can't help myself, "I know that _you_ don't mind helping me. But I do mind, I don't need help! No matter how bloody huge I am, I can and I will stand up on my own. This is the last scrap of dignity I have left, Peeta! I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, and the thought that everyone else is looking at me when I don't even want to look at myself is horrible. So let me keep some dignity and respect for myself and just back off!" I'm screaming now, it's louder than I have ever shouted at anyone and I can see the hurt in his eyes, but he tries to mask it with a look of concern. "Ok, I'm sorry. I know that you can do it by yourself, I was just being over protective. So you get up, do you want a drink to take upstairs with you?" He's still making attempts to soothe me but the palms of my hands are tingling and I want to hit something, not him, just something. "No, I don't want a drink. You just go to bed. I've slept for too long today. I'm gonna stay down here for a bit and I'll be up soon." My voice is lowered but it still has a sharp edge to it. "I'll stay up with you, we can talk for a bit or…" He's doing it again, he doesn't want to leave me downstairs on my own. "No, Peeta. I want to be alone, I can walk up some stairs by myself. Will you please just go away!" And he does, he goes to kiss my lips but I turn my head so that he kisses my cheek instead.

Once he's upstairs I walk into the living room and punch one of the sofa cushions a few times. When this is out of my system, I go back to the kitchen and begin pacing back and forth quickly with my eyes closed, trying to calm myself. I'm not even angry any more, I wasn't even that angry to begin with, it was just my hormones getting the better of me. When I am completely out of breath from waddling around the kitchen I plonk myself back down in the kitchen chair. I didn't feel tired at all before but I now catch myself yawning and decide to head up to bed. But again as usual, the chair and I get into a fight. After around fifteen minutes of struggling I seriously contemplate shouting Peeta, but given my rant earlier about independence and this chair in particular, I would be completely contradicting myself. Another ten minutes of struggling and I am victorious in my efforts. I walk over to the fridge to get myself a drink but then there's a terrible pain in my abdomen and a slightly wet feeling. I grab the counter as I look down. I think my waters have broken, but there is no puddle of water on the floor, just a few drops of blood.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN- here you go… I don't think I will have chance to upload tomorrow but I will definitely have the next chapter up by Sunday. (who knows though, last time I said that I ended up uploading it the same day haha) Anyway, Enjoy XXX**

There's another horrible pang in my stomach and I double over in pain, still clutching at the counter top. I can't stop whimpering and moaning for long enough to shout for Peeta. I'm on the floor now, curled up in a ball, the pool of blood growing larger and larger. I can't find my voice through all the pain so I open the nearest drawer to me and then slam it shut, I do this a few times and then do the same with a low down cupboard. I hear movement from upstairs, "Peeta!" I mean to shout but my attempt is feeble and whiny. When he is in the hall way I can hear him, moving at a casual pace, "Katniss, what on earth are you doing down here? It's the middle of the night, we have neighb…" He's in the door way now, just staring at me on the floor. I throw a pleading look in his direction as my eyes fill up with tears. He runs back out of the room, "waii…" Another crippling pain hits. Did I really push him too far, has he just left me to bleed to death on the floor. He's back though, in under a minute with a phone to his ear. He is next to me on the floor and lifts me up, cradling me to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." I need to apologise because if something happens and _that _was our last conversation I know he couldn't deal with that. "It's ok, I know. I'm sorry too." As another horrible pain hits me I grab a fistful of the material of his trousers and whimper loudly as I press my face into his chest.

"Delly it's Peeta, I think that Katniss is in labour. But there's blood, there's quite a bit of blood." I try and listen for Delly's response but there's just silence. "Less than last time, when we lost the baby." Silence again. "I don't know a few minutes apart, maybe?" More silence, a longer silence. "Ok, yeah I can do that. Katniss, I need to move you, ok?" I just nod and whimper a bit more as he sort of drags me across the kitchen floor so that I'm now leaning my back against a cupboard and my legs are apart. "I'll be back in one second, I promise." He kisses me hard on the lips and then he is gone. When he comes back, I open my eyes to see that he has three clean towels in his hand. "Katniss, I need you to stay awake, we don't have time to go to the hospital so we need to do this here." I nod, although I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open. "But it's too early." I say in a barely audible murmur. "I know it's early, but Delly says it should be ok. She's going to talk me through it and you are going to be fine. Do you hear me? You are going to be fine." He listens to Delly's instructions for a while and in the quiet I find my eyes closing. "She looks pale, Delly. I think she might pass out, I mean, she's lost a lot of blood. What do I do?" I can hear the panic in his voice and so I try to open my eyes and keep them open.

"Delly, how much longer now, do you think? She doesn't look like she's going to make it much longer." I sit there looking at him, trying to work out whether Delly is telling him good or bad news. I couldn't hear her before and now my incessant panting and moaning is making it hard for me to even hear Peeta. He looks down between my legs now and goes to put his hand down there. I know what he's doing, he will be trying to measure my cervix. "Delly, I can't do that." Silence. "No I mean I actually can't, the baby's head is already there." He listens intently to Delly as she gives him various instructions, "Sweetheart, the next time you feel a sharp pain like the one you had before, I need you to push. When you feel it you need to put your chin against your chest and just push as hard as you can." He tells Delly to stop whenever I have a contraction so that he can count down from ten as I push. "Peeta, I can't do th…." Push. "Yes you can, you are doing great, now push. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6…" His ten seconds seem to take about 60. "Stop, I can't push any more, I need a break." I honestly feel like if I push any longer I will pass out, it's just all too much. I feel like I need to push again and this time is the worst so far, I can feel the baby's too big shoulders trying to find a way out and the pain of the stretching makes me scream out and Peeta just stares at me in shock. He informs Delly on how much of the baby is out as I sit there gasping for air. "How much longer will you be? Please tell me you are nearly here because I have no idea what to do when this baby comes out." He listens again, "Ok, good. Katniss sweetie, Delly's almost here." I smile weakly and nod at him, not being able to catch my breath enough to speak. I feel another contraction and with it I push as hard and for as long as I can, "You're nearly there Katniss, keep pushing." And I do, I need this to be over, I can barely breathe. I keep pushing until I feel a release and then hear our baby crying. I look up at Peeta who is looking down at our baby wrapped up in one of the towels. "It's a girl, Katniss." This is all I hear, and then I close my eyes.

I am brought back into some sort of awareness. I can hear the familiar sound of Peeta's breathing nearby, with the occasional sniffle and the beeping of machinery which tells me that I'm still alive. I'm not fully conscious though, I can't open my eyes or speak or move so I just lie here and listen to the noises around me. After a while Peeta picks up my hand in his and holds it to his mouth as he whispers "You promised, you promised that you would be ok." I try really hard now to move my fingers or speak just to show him that I meant it, but the medication that I'm on prevents me from being able to make the slightest of movements. "Please don't die, Katniss, please. Just wake up, ok?" His voice is shaky and I can tell he's holding back tears. I hear the door open and then hear Gales voice, it's not quite as defeated as Peeta's but it's close. "Do you want to go and check in with the doctors, Peeta? I'll stay here with her and I'll let you know if anything changes." Now that I think about it, I feel empty- where is our baby? Gale's words have at least let me know that she is still alive though. Peeta leaves then and Gale takes his spot next to me.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN- Ahhhhh, so here it is. The chapter that I have been dreading uploading, there is too much pressure! Seriously this child has had so many different names, but this was the one I wrote first and after a lot of deliberation I decided to go with my gut instinct plus it seems like a name that suits Panem. Soooo, be nice, please? Review if you have the time, especially since this is quite a key chapter. As always, Enjoy xxx**

"Hey Catnip, you have to wake up, ok? He needs you, and so do I. You're my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without you. Like you said, you're my person. You know who else needs you? Your daughter, she's beautiful, Katniss. She's doing great, she's a fighter like you, she's strong but I bet she misses her mommy though. You need to wake up soon, you've already missed the first six days of her life and until you wake up she will be called Baby girl Mellark. He won't name her without you. Even though it's his choice, he doesn't want to do it in case you don't like what he picks." This upsets me and I decide that as soon as Peeta comes back in the room, I am going to make my hand move or something, so he knows I'm still here. "If you're still tired after six days of sleeping then I'm probably not helping with all this yapping, so if you need me I'll be right here holding your hand, ok?" He's talking to me like he's expecting an answer and I try but to no avail. I then black out completely.

When I semi wake again, it's to a different voice. "Katniss, please wake up. Our daughter needs a name, I know I was supposed to pick and if everything had gone well, I would have done but now it doesn't feel right to do it without you. You better wake up soon or baby girl is going to stick and she'll be called that forever." I try again to move my hand, just to squeeze his hand but I can't. "Please, if you can hear me just let me know. Anything, just move a finger or open your eyes, I miss looking in your eyes." I try to move one of my fingers but I just can't. "Katniss, can you hear me, If you can then move your hand again." I did it, I moved my finger, this time I try to squeeze his hand and then he laughs with relief and kisses my hand. "We can't… have a daughter named baby girl." I say in a weak voice as I open my eyes a little and squint at him. "We lost you for a little bit there. You have no idea how nice it is to see your eyes open again. I've missed you and so has our baby girl." I give him a smile but it's tainted, I want to see her. "Can I see her?"

Later on that day, Peeta convinces Delly to let me go to the NICU to see her. I have to go in a wheel chair but I don't care. I get to see our little girl. When we get to the intensive care unit Peeta stops the wheelchair in front of one of the incubators. "Wow, she's beautiful. Is she going to be ok?" I throw a worried glance at Peeta, "She'll be fine she's only in here because she was premature, she is a healthy baby." I nod in relief and then turn my attention back to her, covered in tubes and wires. Without looking away, I ask him the burning question. "So, what's her name then?" He takes a while to respond, I know he is trying to work out whether I will like it or not. "I think her name is Serafina Rosy Mellark? The name Serafina means fiery one and then Rosy for Primrose and Posy." I look up at him now smiling, "It has a better ring to it than baby girl." I love the name, and I love her. She is so perfect but she doesn't seem real at all. "She's our own little girl on fire, Katniss." I look up at him with a huge smile on my face. "We need to get back to the room now, though. I have strict orders from Delly, she said no more than ten minutes. It's alright, there is always someone here with her, Gale or Haymitch or Effie." He walks to stand behind the wheel chair, ready to take me back. "I love you Serafina."

After another week, she is at a healthy weight and can leave the intensive care unit. She now sleeps in an incubator in my hospital room, which is making it much easier to sleep. Peeta leaves every now and then to check in on the bakery or to go and get some stuff from home. He's never gone for long though and he's been sleeping at the hospital. Whenever he goes to the bakery he brings food back with him, which is good because a week of hospital food is too much for anyone.

Whenever I'm awake I spend the time with Serafina in my arms, it seems so silly now to think that I wasn't even sure if I would ever want children. Every time I look at her thick dark curls or look into her blue eyes, I want to kick myself for waiting so long. How was I ever afraid of _this_? Peeta is excellent with her, I'm a bit jealous actually, I feel like I missed out. He got an extra week with her and even since then I've only been able to spend a few minutes at a time with her. Whenever she cries, he picks her up and rocks her slightly or whispers to her and she calms down. I tried it once when he wasn't here and she carried on crying for ages. Times like this, when I get a few rare minutes of alone time with her, I try to cuddle her and speak to her as much as I can. Because I know it's only a matter of time before someone interrupts us.

This time, the interruption is courtesy of Haymitch and Effie. They come in, both with smiles plastered on their faces, Effie sits on the chair next to the bed and Haymitch perches on the edge of the bed. "It's a big, big day!" Effie is as cheerful as ever, but I'm not entirely sure what she's talking about. "Are you excited to get home and get all settled in with the baby?" I understand now, I didn't realise that this day had come so quickly. We can go home, all three of us. "You have no idea how excited I am." My voice doesn't sound too enthusiastic though and Haymitch raises one eyebrow. "Of course I'm excited, I'm just scared, I mean, she's safe here. If anything happens to her, we are in a hospital but if something happens when we are at home, I…" Now my fears of having children seem rational, I can now see why I never wanted them, there are too many dangerous things.

I feel sick at the thought of taking her home, away from all the doctors, she's so small and fragile, I could break her so easily. "Are you ok, Katniss? You look a bit greyish, are you feeling alright?" I can't form any words I'm too wrapped up in all the possible dangers in our house. "Effie, take the baby from her." Effie leans in and takes Serafina from my arms as Haymitch reaches for a bowl and puts it on my lap. He then holds my hair as I throw up. "You ok? You need to calm down and stop worrying, it'll be better for both of you to get out of this place. Just calm down, Delly wouldn't let her go home if she didn't think she was ready." His words put my mind at ease, I think back to how Haymitch used to be, he's changed so much. I never thought I would feel comforted by Haymitch's words or presence. He's kind of become like a father to me, which is funny considering how much I disliked him during the games, even during the quell.

I try to keep myself calm throughout the day but the pressure of full time parenting without doctors or constant visitors is getting to me. It'll be nice though, for the three of us to have some real alone time to bond. We arrive home and it's as if nothing happened, Peeta's cleaned all of the blood from the kitchen and the only reminder is the strong smell of bleach that clings to everything in the house. We head straight upstairs and put Serafina in her crib in the nursery, which after spending so long in hospital seems even more beautiful than before.

Then Peeta and I just stand over her crib and stare down at our perfect little girl, both too nervous to leave her. As I look at her I notice more and more about her, like how although she has Peeta's big blue eyes, every now and then she frowns and her brow furrows like mine does when I'm angry. Other than her hair though, she is the double of Peeta and she looks a lot like Prim did as a baby. The little lump in my throat makes an appearance at the thought of Prim and when I think about how much she would love to be here. I look up at Peeta's face and the happiness in his eyes. I suddenly get an image in my head, when I was little I looked up at my father when Prim was born and the look on his face was almost identical to that on Peeta's.

We have to leave the nursery at some point but every time we decide to leave her to sleep, she gurgles or sighs in her sleep and we both go straight beck to the crib. When Effie and Haymitch show up though, we have o choice but to leave her. Peeta can see the worry in my eyes when I hear the door bell and he waves the baby monitor in my face, "It's alright, if she cries we will hear her loud and clear. She has to be left alone at some point, you know." I nod but I know that the worry is still clear on my face, "I know. Just make sure that that thing is turned on, okay?" He laughs at me as my voice goes up an octave in worry. "Who knew it was possible for someone to worry so much when everything is perfect." He takes my hand and leads me out of the room, I pause at the door and turn around for a moment but I'm interrupted by Peeta's loud sigh and so I decide to give up on worrying for the time being.


End file.
